When soon-to-be-released Troma horror film, Street Team Massacre, propositioned mild-mannered folk singer Rob Morrison to write them a theme song, no one could have known the surprising results that would come to pass.
Reports are coming in from across the country; "Drink Me Up (Theme from Street Team Massacre)" is flooding the airwaves. The upbeat, intensely catchy 80s-style rock song has quickly overtaken Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" as the most frequently played tune at sporting events of all kinds. Due to its extreme catchiness, iTunes downloads of the song have cracked all known records as listeners everywhere rush to add "Drink Me Up" to their mp3 players. As a direct result, thousands of people have not been able to stop running or working out since the song was released.
Herman Wright, an Upper West Side accountant, had this to say as he sprinted by a Helal foods vendor: "I've never been much of an athlete. But just when I think I can't go any further, the chorus kicks in and Rob's searing vocals drive the lactic acid right out of my tired muscles!"
After reports of paraplegics regaining the use of their legs by virtue of hearing the righteous riffs of "Drink Me Up," several nursing homes across the eastern seaboard began pumping the song through their PA systems to astonishing effects. "It's as though Morrison's song is able to completely reverse the effects of aging," said Barbara Kovacs, Assistant Supervisor at Greener Pastures Nursing Home in Worcester, MA. "Senility has been totally eradicated in all of our patients. I've even heard of asylums using this rollicking anthem to cure mental diseases."
Meanwhile, even greater plans seem to be in store for Mr. Morrison's single. An anonymous White House official informed us that former President Reagan's Star Wars program is to be remounted, but with a focus on peace. "We plan on starting nearly from scratch on the space station, and replacing all the lasers with the largest speakers we can manufacture. With the hugest sound system in history surrounding it and playing Rob Morrison's "Drink Me Up," we're confident that the Earth will reach a state of world peace within forty-eight hours. It would be shorter, but many countries will no doubt need to translate the lyrics before the effects of the song can take place."
With all this excitement teeming around Morrison's single, the singer/songwriter himself was unable to comment much, only to remind us that the film Street Team Massacre has not even been released yet. Projected to overturn Superbad's current stranglehold on the box office, Street Team Massacre is already gaining a fan base so rabid and ubiquitous, that when the film's delayed release was announced, sales of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows dropped by nearly 75% (this being only three days after the unveiling of said book) as fans everywhere gathered in town squares across the country to protest and mourn. Troma has assured the public that Street Team Massacre will see the light of day very soon after its debut at the Austin Film Festival in a few short weeks.
We wish Mr. Morrison and the crew at Street Team Massacre the best of luck, and congratulate them on the quintuple platinum sales of the instant-classic theme song, "Drink Me Up."
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